The Bibb County Commission wants the state Department of Transportation to consider alternatives for a scheduled Pio Nono Avenue widening.

During Tuesday's meeting, the commission adopted resolutions urging DOT to reconsider decisions that commissioners believe would be bad for businesses and homeowners in the area. Given that these resolutions have all the weight of dandruff flakes, DOT will likely brush them off in a similar manner.

The vote on the Oh Nono resolution was almost unanimous; chairman Larry Justice cast the dissenting vote. Medians are bad, they said. However, commissioners proposed a variety of significantly different alternatives. "We know that medians and fast moving traffic are bad for business," said Dennis Dorsey. "Accordingly, I think we should put a 4-way stop every 150 yards or so. That'll slow traffic and probably increase sales for all the businesses along Pio Nono."

Bert Bivins said that's only a partial solution. "I think we should rip up all the asphalt on Pio Nono and put down some gravel. I know that'll raise a little dust but that's a small price to pay for helping these businesses," Bivins said.

City Councilman Ed Defore, attending the meeting on behalf of his constituents, said they really want to know the source of the median suggestion. "Y'all better change this quickly. If my constituents find out who this 'Dot' lady is, they'll whip her butt," Defore said.

"I'm appalled at this bigotry," said commission chairman Larry Justice. "How can we stop Midians on Pio Nono? It's a free country and people from Midia can go where they want," Justice said.

Tizzy Jerkins, an environmental consultant, presented the community resources and development committee with findings on a study of the county's trees. Researchers studied recent satellite photographs of the area and compared them with photos from the mid-1980s. They determined Macon and Bibb County have lost more than 10,000 trees in the past 15 years, while only 6,200 new trees have been planted.

Researchers also compared recent satellite images to artist's renderings of how Macon looked 65 million years ago. They found that Macon has many more trees now than back then because Georgia was under the ocean at that time. "But trees didn't cause the demise of ocean habitat," Jerkins said.

Jerkins stated that city officials need to come up with a plan to water downtown trees more effectively. "Coffee and soft-drinks dumped by conscientious passers-by and urination from the occasional wino are just not enough for these trees. They need water to their roots. A nice flood like the one in 1994 would help," Jerkins said.

For workers at the Blue Bird Body Co. school-bus plants in Fort Valley, very little has changed except the owner, company executives said Wednesday. Blue Bird's board of directors voted to accept a $665 million offer from the U.K. bus and truck manufacturer Henlys. Macon-based Blue Bird is now owned by the Merrill Lynch stock trading company.

Blue Bird's name will remain as the company title and bus logo, company officials said, however the pronunciation will change to "bloo buurd." [cockney accent]

According to Paul Glaske, chief executive officer and chairman of the board of Blue Bird, no jobs will be lost as a result of the purchase. "The employees will only see a few changes," Glaske said. "One somewhat significant change will be that we must stop the production line each day at three for the tea hour. The busses will be re-engineered to place the steering wheel on the right side----which could impact safety procedures during loading and unloading. Furthermore, employees will be instructed in the importance of properly holding their pinkies when they sip any beverage here in the plant. Finally, uniforms will change to include a British flag and a special pocket to hold a hankie. Ladies and gentlemen bucking rivets or running power drills should nevertheless be civilized and always have a hankie handy," Glaske said.

Mayor-elect Jack Ellis - the storm raining on city-county merger plans----plans to be a spectator at today's meeting of the Unification Commission for Improved Government.

"I'm going to listen, but I plan to give them a piece of my mind," Ellis said Wednesday. "I'm prepared to give it to them whether they ask or not. I may even take some water-balloons and eggs with me."

Chairman Oney Hudson said he's pleased that Ellis plans to attend Thursday's commission meeting. "I hear the fish are starting to bite at Sinclair, so I wouldn't mind taking a few years off. He's just took our momentum and stomped it flat. Maybe he'll give us some of his thoughts on what year he would support unification," Hudson said.

Georgia tag offices finally getting new GRITS computer system

Y2K fears have accomplished what years of begging have been unable to do. Over the Labor Day weekend, 128 county tag offices across Georgia will install the new GRITS computer system that will link auto registration and title information almost statewide.

Davis L. Minshew, the Macon-Bibb County Tax Commissioner, said he is glad that Y2K panic finally inspired Georgia bureaucrats to automate the process. "We finally convinced them that our manual paper systems might not work after the year 2000," Minshew said. "All but 31 of Georgia's 159 counties will be linked together by this fantastic system, " he said. "We'll key information into the system and---this is the really cool part----we can get information OUT of the system."

The Georgia Registration Information and Title System will help speed title registration, tax payments and help law-enforcement officers instantly access information about registered vehicles. Processes that once took years can now be accomplished in only weeks or days. "That efficiency is going to save taxpayers money," Minshew said.

Disclaimer: The accounts, quotes and stories on this page are wholly fictitious and intended as satire and humor. Although real names may be used and all good humor has an element of truth, this stuff ain't real. If you didn't already know these stories were bogus, then you're not too bright. --Steve Scroggins